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Rick is an agnostic.
I approached him to talk to him about what he believed. He started off saying
he grew up catholic and decided it wasn't true to him by the age of 7. No
matter what I was about to say to him, he would still be agnostic. That was his
firm stance. He despised all the people who claimed to be Christian, but didn’t
practice what they believed. He hated the fact that people continued to fight
over the significance of a holy place of worship such as Jerusalem. Rick didn’t understand it and didn’t
want to.
So I just asked him some questions. I listened to his thoughts and philosophies
for the next hour and a half. As my friend Jason said after we walked away, it didn't
seem that long at all.
Rick spoke of the fact that if there is no proof then, why should he believe it
exists? Typical answer I thought. But then he went off. He talked about human
nature and our attempts to do our best. He said we're screwed up. He talked
about sociopaths, the genetic inheritance of our traits, our talents, our
mental state, and our intelligence. He spoke of eternity and how when that
comes along, this life will be but a blink of our eyes and if we even remember
it that we'd probably laugh at all the stupid stuff we may have done. Either
way, our lifespan here is nothing in comparison to eternity. He couldn't accept
the fact that if God was forgiving that he would let us suffer eternally. He
figures there has to be a paradise. I guess he couldn't quite grasp the idea of
a gracious and yet just and righteous God. Rick was articulate. He was
eloquent. Rick was also homeless.
God had been tugging on my heart for the homeless since winter break. I
committed to trying to figure out what it looked like to make a difference for
the homeless population in my area, whether through just loving them and
listening to their stories, taking them out for meals or volunteering when I
had time to. So I asked Rick, what I could tangibly do to combat homelessness
in the city? He laughed. I’d dare say Rick was a brilliant man. He took out a
list of 300 places where a homeless person could stay and have a roof over
their heads. He knew the system, but he hated the people in it, the ones who
worked to “help change” the situation. He was even aware of those who exploited
it. Rick told us of the problem of frustration. Non-profit workers make so
little and when they don’t see results, they get frustrated. He went on to
mention that everyone is like that. Those words resonated in my mind whenever I
thought about the frustrating times I’ve had with serving and seeing nothing
tangibly fruitful in the short run. Rick told us of how workers would mistreat
him and make him want to leave the shelters. He spoke of the way others would
have to kiss some butts to get what they wanted and how others would save up
their SSI checks to buy drugs and alcohol and then go back to the shelters for
food and a home. Rick explained how it has made it harder for others to apply
for the checks because of how many people were exploiting it and misusing it.
And that’s when he started saying some profound ideas.
There’s only so much one person can change unless they’re in a position of
power as those on the bottom are continually marginalized and helpless. He told
us that to some extent you could only really care and love for those
immediately around you, whether family, friends or strangers. Changing just one
person can sometimes be all that you can do, but you still need to do it. I was
blown away because of his insightfulness (if that’s even a word). Compassion and
kindness for others is vital. We experience it as humans and so we should give
it. I went on to ask him then, that if people are so broken and the
circumstances under which we are born are uncontrollable as he mentioned
previously, then where does hope come from? What can people really do on their
own? He says hope comes from human nature. He experiences love and so it
exists, he experiences hope and therefore it exists as well. Hope doesn’t come
from God because people cling to hope when situations are slim. Hope is like
love and other emotions, it is a reaction to a circumstance and a feeling.
It was incredible. The more I listened, the more I heard
concepts that I agreed with, but as soon as God was placed into the picture, it
was as if we were both driving in the same direction and his car took a u turn
in the other direction. I’d never met a person more firm in his beliefs and
believed something so similar to what I believe, but refused to believe in the
existence of God. Rick challenged me and inquired if what I believed was
through my own assessment and reflections on life or if they had come from my
parents. It was amazing to me the way he spoke of the issue of conformity and
the avoidance of conflict. He would pretend to be catholic throughout the rest
of his middle school and high school years, putting up a front just to please
his parents. He wondered if I had been doing the same. I assured him I had come
to my own conclusions after fits of doubts. I explained to him that my doubts
that rise up again here and there continue to stretch me on the issue of faith.
He said he’s sure because everyone doubts and searches for truth.
I stood there, continuing to listen to more and more of what
he was learning as he shared some of the stories of his life with us. All I
could think about was how ignorant I was, how inarticulate I was. I’d go as far
to say I was stupid, but it went beyond that. I was unequipped. My brain
couldn’t process anything, all I could do was listen to him and swallow hard as
my heart broke for him. He told us a story about a girl who broke his heart and
how he would still love her and forgive through it all. I brought up that God
does the same with us and continues to pursue us even when we reject him, just
the way he adamantly pursues this girl. He went on to say that’s ridiculous and
once again wrestled with the idea that God can’t possibly cause us to suffer
just because of our rejection of him. If God is forgiving then He must be
completely and perfectly forgiving. As I mentioned before, I guess he didn’t
quite understand the concept of complete justice and infinite grace. Heck,
sometimes I wrestle with that here and there.
And as I said before, my heart broke for him, but my heart
was breaking inside as well. I wished I could help him. All I could think about
was how completely inadequate and dumb I was. I wouldn’t have been able to
bring up anything for crap. I boldly spoke up and said I respected him deeply
for his wisdom, even if it was earthly wisdom. He was humble too. Rick replied
saying that by the time I was his age I’d probably know more than him. If I was
able to ever articulate my thoughts the way he was conveying it to me and
Jason, I’d be pretty proud of myself.
We parted ways after hearing more about his life. He hoped
to see us in the park again and promised that he’d be the one to be listening
the next time we met. Rick explained that he hoped to have gotten us thinking
and also hoped that we had also prompted him to reassess what he believes and
values. It’s funny because before he had said that and as we were saying
goodbye, all I could think to myself was, if anything, I hope this makes him
start thinking some more about what he believes and question why we may have
clung to the concept of faith and that he dismisses it entirely.
Reflecting on my conversation now I’m reminded of the fact
that I can do nothing without the power of Christ.
“My message and my preaching were not with wise and
persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your
faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”
1 Corinthians 2:4-5
I’m constantly frustrated at my mental capacity these days. It’s
even fair to say that I didn’t do justice to the way Rick conveyed his thoughts
to me because of my limited brain capacity. Yet, God continues to humble me and
remind me that even if I were a scholar of unimaginable intelligence and
eloquence that I can do nothing apart from Him. God is the one that is going to
move, His power is going to bring people to Himself, not what I say or however
convincing I may be. I’m not saying I shouldn’t continue to challenge myself
mentally and grow intellectually, but sometimes it’s just not the point of it
all.
Rick is in his 50’s. Rick is homeless and at times he says
he feels hopeless. Rick is agnostic, but Rick is being pursued by God. Praise
the Lord for His unfailing love and fervent persistence.
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